I love my mother very much and words could never express my gratitude for the countless times she tried to help me get clean and sober. And, sadly the countless nights I kept her up worrying. I can say this now, with over nine years in recovery, but it was not always that easy for me to recognize how much I love her and how grateful I am to have her. Having genuine appreciation for the woman she is, took this recovering addict time to see.
I spent a great deal of time doing step work and going to therapy, trying to place blame on her or resent her for my addiction. Many problems I had in my life always came back to being my mom’s fault and I was the victim. The work I did with my sponsor for clarity on my part, letting go of resentment and forgiveness did help. The therapy sessions helped as well. However, nothing gave me the transparency I needed until I became a mother myself.
I became a mother in 2011, and what an experience it has been! Being a mother is the greatest blessing I have ever received but it is NOT easy! I will be the first to admit, I do not know what I am doing half the time and I keep learning as I go! I am blessed to have a mother and friend’s that are mother’s to ask, “how did you handle this?!” It is a great experience of learning about my child and also myself but, I am doing it clean and sober! How FABULOUS is that?!
I know each day I do my best and always what is best for my son. With that being said, I still make mistakes and my son sees me fall short at times. I have to understand that I am not perfect, and learn from my mistakes in order to do it differently next time. I have to reach out to my mother, my friend’s with children, my network and my sponsor to ask questions or admit I am struggling. Through these trial and tribulations, I realized my mother traveled the same road and made mistakes when I was a child. So, this got me thinking that despite the many issues and resentments I had toward my mother, she was always doing her best. Becoming a mom helped me to understand my mother’s parenting decisions, enough to let go of anger I had and empathize with her regarding the hard decisions we are faced with as a parent sometimes. I was put in her shoes and was given clarity I never understood in the past. Experience is the greatest way to learn or understand things- at least in my case.
My son may get upset with me and may even resent me one day for the things I do. However, the hope is that he will one day see and realize I did the best I could, and that I stayed active in my recovery while raising him. The fact that he may resent me is not scary because that may be his process and I would never want to rob him of that learning experience.
My mother stepped back and allowed me to learn on my own. There is no way I could ever repay her for all the amazing things she did as a mother- but I can show her that I understand what it takes to be a mother, as well as forgive her for anything I held on to. I can continue to make my mom proud by staying active in my 12-step fellowship and be a great mother like she is!
Happy Mother’s Day!
